Published on Wednesday, January 19th, 2022


Published on Wednesday, January 19th, 2022


For the umpteenth time a migraine attack stroke me.

The horror of it is undescribable.

Seven days - definitely one of the longest I ever experienced - from which three days in bed with hardly any sleep, every second of the day with horrible pain, at times crying my ass off, overwhelmed with headaches and bowel cramps.

This is without a doubt hell for me and each time I go through it there's only one thought: "I want to die, please let me die".

And the question comes: "can suicide free me?"

And always the same answer: "won't make a difference, one day in another life you're going to face it again"

Only that keeps me alive, going through my deepest darkness, my built-up shit, a volcano of screams and tears outbursts.

Nothing but the desire to end this suffering exists in those days.

No success, failure, love, hate, money, joy, song, achievement, creativity matters then, everything scraped bare.

And all of this all started when I was 15 so it's been going on for the last 30 years.

At first not too bad, two days in bed and up I was again.

But the last 10 years attacks came more frequent, longer lasting and more aggressive. Last 5 years I experienced an attack every 2 months and ended up 4 times in hospital close to death.

It's as if I die each time and reborn after the attack.

And still in all this agony a glimpse of light is shining through, the light that I'm definitely not alone in this suffering but at the same time healing journey.

Millions go through this, one has MS, another no legs, another a bridge as his home, one only food each two days, another lost all at once, child, husband and house, another struggles with mental health or addiction and these stories are never ending.

If you are one of them, you definitely have my thoughts and support.

Have a lovely day